I have believed that I can keep it peaceful if I compromise
or sacrifice myself, especially if there is a power distance between two
parties. However, because I compromise in order to avoid conflicts, I do not
learn anything from the conflicts, and I make same mistakes over
and over and I face to the same conflicts over and over.
That was my default conflict style.
In my family, my mom and I always cause conflicts, and my
dad is the mediator. Because I know I can’t compete with my mom, so I always
compromise and try to avoid unnecessary conflicts. As a consequence, I ignore
things that I hate about my mom, which makes her even more frustrated. I also
know that I can’t win in an argument with her. So I always talk with my dad
(the mediator) about what I want and what I don't like about her. (She knows
that I complain to my dad instead of talk to her, so she also mad at not
only me but also my dad, and then they would start a new conflict. I feel bad
for him, well...I don't, because he is always on her side)
There are so many reasons of our conflicts. We are similar,
but we have completely different believes and values. For example, when I wanted
to climb mt Fuji, she didn't let me, because she doesn't like "dangerous" things. but
I am much more adventurous than her and she doesn't like it. so I've never been to the
top of mt Fuji (it's like 12,000 feet). Crazy.
There was one time when I did not compromise nor avoid, but
I collaborate with her—it was when I decided to quite my university and go to
WWU.
It meant a lot to my family, and it was such a huge deal. It
was a conflict because my mom did not want me to go, and the reasons were
obvious and understandable. First of all, I wasted whole two years (I was already close
to junior) and two-year tuition in university in Tokyo. Second of all, I had to
start over the college from the beginning at WWU in order to get a bachelor
degree. Third of all, obviously I could not afford the living costs and tuitions so I needed to get financial supports from my parents, and perhaps from my
siblings as well. Finally, I had to leave everyone and everything in Japan
(family, friends, job, piano, badminton club and so on) and go away to the 17-hour time
difference foreign country by myself.
I knew that she would not agree with me, but I just could not give
up on this study abroad at WWU. I had a strong desire for this, so I decided to
face to her. I was scared because of the power distance between my
mom and me.
I decided to have a family meeting, and for the first time,
I won against my mom.
I talked with her and my family about what I want, what I
value, what I have passion about. (…I wish I had an awareness wheel!) Then She
told me what she wants me to do, what she believes about the study abroad.
After the conversation, I made a list of the benefits that I could potentially
make at WWU, and specific budget list to show her how much it would
cost each year.
In the second conversation with her, I showed the lists and
convinced her. I promised with her that I will contact with her once in a while
and keep her updated about school, and also I am going to pay her back the all costs after I graduate. I collaborated with her and came to such a good decision. And now my mom and I are both happy about it.
This was the most meaningful conflict that I had in my life.
It is much harder to have conflict with her than with my dad because power distance between me and my mom is bigger than between my dad. I think that this whole family dynamics with my mom, my dad,
and me can transfer to workplace. If there is a power distance between two
parties, it is hard to face to conflicts. If the other party was your boss or
on higher position than yours, that hierarchy makes it harder to assert your
opinion. However, when something was against your value and believes, it is
much better to collaborate or accommodate instead of to compromise or to avoid.
The outcome of the conflict strengthen relationships.
It is really important to use wisely your conflict styles;
Competing, Compromising, Avoiding, Accommodating, Collaborating. If I could use
those five conflict styles depending on the situation, it would create healthy
workplaces. I have learned from the conflict with my mom that it is much
healthier to accommodate when it comes to your passion.
A little note on the side....
This is the reason why I should go home after I graduate
instead of break the promise with my mom. I promised my parents to get a job IN
JAPAN to pay back money and time that we are apart from each other. It is a
rough decision, but she is now compromising
by letting me do what I want to do in Bellingham.
Since I moved away from home, being in this situation where
I have to deal with everything by myself, I learned a lot of important things
of life; how to disclose my feelings and to create better relationships with
others. I can say this with confidence; I am a strong, independent, grown
person who is capable of any conflicts. I really appreciate my parents to let
me have this great opportunity. What do my guts say? Yeah, I want to travel
around the world and see other cultures, so
bad. I want to take all opportunity that comes to me if that makes that
happen, (and this is why I wanna do intern abroad).
On the other hands, I understand that now is the time to go home and to compromise.
What would you do? Should I do what my guts say or should I
fulfill the promise with my parents? Do I have to say good-bye to my friends in
Bellingham? Do I leave my friends again?
---conflicts are the hardest.
